Mallory Ortberg Quotes

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.

I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.

Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.

(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.

I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian.

One of the things that would be great is to some day have so many women comedy writers that we wouldn't say there's just one type of female humor. There's lots.

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.