Mark Russell Quotes

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.

Being an Olympian is the ultimate test of one's sporting ability.

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!

I'm not trying to write a bleak and blistering screed against American civilization. I'm writing something that I hope is fun and satirical and full of possibility.

You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

I try not to speak to critics. It only encourages them.-Snagglepuss

Son, in life you do not fight battles because you expect to win......you fight them merely because they need to be fought.-Snagglepuss