Mark Twain, Собрание сочинений в восьми томах Quotes

Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception.

Dying man couldn't make up his mind which place to go to-both have their advantages, heaven for the climate, hell for the company!

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

Two days overdue, THE WORLD'S WORK has not reached me. Pray make a note of this. I would rather not have to resort to violence.

A gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.

There's some human instinct which makes a man treasure what he is not to make any use of, because everybody does not possess it.

God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention.

No sane man can be happy, for to him life is real, and he sees what a fearful thing it is.

But we love the Old Travelers. We love to hear them prate and drivel and lie.

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. Nor upon a cold stove lid.

Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.

Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is finer.

A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditch digging.

When one has tasted watermelons, one knows what angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.

Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.

I have traveled more than anyone else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.

Every one knew he could foretell wars and famines, though that was not so hard, for there was always a war, and generally a famine somewhere.

If you have to swallow a frog, don't stare at it too long.

There is not an acre of ground on the globe that is in possession of its rightful owner, or that has not been taken away from owner after owner, cycle afer cycle, by force and bloodshed.

Do one thing every day you don't want to do.

Rags, wretchedness, poverty and dirt, those signs and symbols that indicate the presence of [Muslim] rule more surely than the crescent-flag itself, abound.

That which was hard to endure is sweet to remember.

He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.

A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.

We have infinite trouble in solving man-made mysteries; it is only when we set out to discover "the secret of God" that our difficulties disappear.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

Love is an irreresisistible desire to be irresistibily desired.

Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.

Too bad that youth is wasted on the young.

Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters.

Of the 417 commandments, only a single one of the 417 has found ministerial obedience; multiply and replenish the earth. To it sinner & saint, scholar & ignoramus, Christian & savage are alike loyal.

It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.

There is not a single celebrated Southern name in any of the departments of human industry except those of war, assassination, lynching, murder, the duel, repudiation, & massacre.

If I'd seen a playwright ever write an' play at the same time, I'd have given 'em more of a chance at cards. Can I get an 'amen?'

Talking of patriotism, what humbug it is; it is a word which always commemorates a robbery.

Words are only painted fire, a look is the fire itself. She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury of heaven, where all things that are divine belong.

An adventure is something that while it's happening you wish it wasn't.

And I urge upon you this - which I think is wisdom - if you find you can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go.

It’s not the good that die young, it’s the lucky.

How lovely is death; and how niggardly it is doled out.

On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

Cats are the wildest of the tame and the tamest of the wild

...fry me an optimist for breakfast.

Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.

The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.

If the world ends, I'll just head on down to Kentucky because they're always 20 years behind.

When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.