Milton Berle Quotes

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?