Milton Jones Quotes
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
I learned at an early age that every breath that we take is borrowed. We need to be thankful for our life and never take it for granted.