Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.