Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."