Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.