Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

We don't have to fix anything.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!