N. T. Wright Quotes

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I took a baby shower.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I can't stop thinking like this.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I washed mud off of mud.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.