Nick Offerman Quotes

I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago.

I'm obsessed with the Victorian era and the British Royal Navy... I'd love to play a troubled sailor or captain or a boatman on a three masted ship.

Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people.

I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show.

I come from a family of fishermen. Fishing is very important to us. We don't hunt. We're not gun folk.

The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangover

I spent a lot of my youth working outside in the elements, and I kind of revel in defeating tough weather.

I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.

I've been working steadily as an actor since around 1998. I wasn't well known in the public, but I was a dependable working journeyman.

Being a man of the theater and a hedonist, I find the idea of building coffins very romantic.

I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I call myself a humorist.

I worked a lot in Chicago's theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat and also in Kabuki dance and Kabuki theater.

Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you.

When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career.

No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.

I always call performing live "giving the people the medicine," because when you're engaged in it, you can feel the sort of soul magic being exchanged between the performer and the audience.

I also grew up building theatrical scenery. I spent many years building scenery as a large part of my income and that allowed me to really develop my shop skills.

When I got my job on Parks, it was so dreamy, kind of unfathomable. I didn't think a job that excellent could exist for me.

People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired.

Your dreams are always going to seem much more profound to you then they are to your friend.

It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent.

My wife happens to be probably the greatest working woman in comedy. I can't think of anyone who even approaches her achievements and her abilities.

I always drastically changed my look for each role. It's gotten a little tedious in real life, also, because there's no hiding.

Shut your damn mouth.

I really bridled when Parks And Rec became popular and woodworking publications wanted me to do stuff with them.

For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees.

I think that purity creates not only a higher level of artistic vision but a purer work ethic.

I've split my life between a few different disciplines.

No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply that you do.

My education began in theater school, and it continues to this day. I just continued learning to be a better performer.

I just always had a penchant for performing for people.I'm a jackass clown.

A lot of people find themselves in the entertainment business - or perhaps society steers them toward it - because they're beautiful.

When I first met with agents, they said, "Okay, you're going to play plumbers and mechanics and bus drivers and farmers. Go."

Whenever I have a stubborn position on something, I take a deep breath and swallow myself.

My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.

I keep having these bros come up to me and say, "I used to watch you when I was a fetus," and I just want to kill them.

I'm very hairy, and men in film and TV are no longer allowed to be hairy.

I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was God's joke.

I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior.

I'm quite excited to not play a Xena type character - it's probably closer to me than any character I've ever played.

We realized that the world of popular culture had been creating the perfect candidate for many years: the female champion of the universe.

The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters.

Children are so egocentric - they want to watch their lives, and not yours.

I always call myself a "student" of the guitar.

Don't use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest.

Actually, I'm not super-kickass at a lot of things.

When we think of an actor, we think of a tanned, frosted-tipped, model-looking guy. We don't think of a plumber.

My family has schoolteachers and librarians, and I think people who teach are probably some of our greatest American heroes. Certainly, underpaid and unsung.

People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not.