Noel Fielding Quotes

People said, ‘You must be mad, or on drugs,’ which I found a bit disappointing. What about imagination? It reflects our time that people sooner assume you’re on drugs or mad, rather than free.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

It's impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!

All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.

Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

I'm a mischievous drunk.

In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous.

There's something amazing about tea. It's good before a meal, after a meal, when drunk, when taking drugs, while playing football and after being called a poof in the street.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

When you're quite young, your imagination's quite free.

I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that’s a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.

I could get an audience into my world and if you can do that, they'll go with you not all the way, but a lot of the way.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.

If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.

When you're a kid and someone's an artist, you think of Leonardo da Vinci. You don't think that's a job; you just think of a man with a beard painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

I don't hate Coldplay to be cool I genuinely hate Coldplay.

Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse.

When I was three or four, I was really good at drawing and painting, and everyone used to say, "You're going to go to art college." I didn't really know what that meant.

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

I always wanted to travel around and see lots of America, I'd never been to Boston, I'd never been to San Francisco even, so I'm quite excited to just go the places.

When I was a really young child, I felt like I could see fairies. I was convinced there were fairies in my grandmother's garden.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.