Ogden Nash Quotes

Indoors or out, no one relaxes In March, that month of wind and taxes, The wind will presently disappear, The taxes last us all the year.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Celery, raw, Develops the jaw

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer

A bit of talcum Is always walcum.

God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.

One thing about the past. It's likely to last.

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends

In the world of mules there are no rules.

But all ladies think they weigh too much.

Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?

The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers.

A dressing is not a compote A dressing is not a custard It consists of pepper and salt, Vinegar, oil and mustard.

Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while.

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.

Time is like the ocean, always there, always different.

Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how.

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

The reason for much matrimony is patrimony.

There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too adventury. What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony If anyone's gotony.

My garden will never make me famous, I'm a horticultural ignoramus.

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.

You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't.

Stuyvesant chats with Kelly and Katz, The professor warms to the broker, And life is good in the brotherhood Of an air-conditioned smoker.

O thrice unhappy home Whose master doesn't know the difference between a watt and an ohm!

Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

When you're wrong admit it, when you're right, shut up.

Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.

Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder, Such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our children.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't.

Then here's to the heartening wassail, Wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.

Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think that their children are naive.

The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon. Let others say his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig.

Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it.

They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball.

A bird in the open never looks Like its picture in the birdie books - Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.

This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it.

Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him.