Oliver $ Quotes

But the trouble is that when you drink it, you invariably meet other people drinking it.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.

I cannot pretend i am not without fear.

As usual, my timing is bizarrely good.

Now that I've got kids, it's become really important for me on the health front to try to buy as much organic produce as possible.

The best food I've ever eaten in my life has come from the poorest communities.

Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.

I might as well be myself. Everyone else is taken.

We have been cocksure of many things that were not so.

You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned twenty-four. A man is or may be young to after sixty, and not old before eighty.

Australia as a nation, as a set of cities and some regional centres, that project died a death and we didn't get it up, but I still think there's merit in that.

Oh, my bad ... I'm sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.

Under bad manners, as under graver faults, lies very commonly an overestimate of our special individuality, as distinguished from our generic humanity.

Chicago sounds rough to the maker of verse. One comfort we have - Cincinnati sounds worse.

I have always sought to guide the future-but it is very lonely sometimes trying to play God.

Beware of making your moral staple consist of the negative virtues.

Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love.

A goose flies by a chart which the Royal Geographical Society could not mend.

To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad.

The power of music and the plasticity of the brain go together very strikingly, especially in young people.

For him in vain the envious seasons roll Who bears eternal summer in his soul.

It's not a competition, it's a doorway.

We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to.

If Obama wanted to make radical changes to America's health long-term, all he has to do is treble the price of sugar and salt.

The best way to make your audience laugh is to start laughing yourself.

It seems to me that at this time we need education in the obvious more than investigation of the obscure.

The public health of five million children should not be left to luck or chance.

The company of fools may first make us smile, but in the end we always feel melancholy.

What refuge is there for the victim who is oppressed with the feeling that there are a thousand new books he ought to read, while life is only long enough for him to attempt to read a hundred?

I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well.

You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes".

I've never really seen myself in the role of the victim.

Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do something that they want to do.

Where we stand is not as important as the direction in which we are moving.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

A Germany team should not be afraid going into a tournament. History shows that we can raise the level of our game when it matters.

Between two groups of people who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force.

We are all sure of two things, at least; we shall suffer and we shall all die.

Careless their merits or their faults to scan, His pity gave ere charity began. Thus to relieve the wretched was his pride, And even his failings lean'd to Virtue's side.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

The first casualty of war is innocence.

As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.

The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.

The hours we pass with happy prospects in view are more pleasing than those crowded with fruition.

Where wealth and freedom reign contentment fails, And honour sinks where commerce long prevails.

I have known a German Prince with more titles than subjects, and a Spanish nobleman with more names than shirts.

Cupid "the little greatest enemy."

If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic.