Oliver $ Quotes

You will be my downfall, Riley Blackthorne.

A soul is forged in the fires of adversity, not comfort.

Adults always acted like they could fix everything. But they can't. And they know it.

Riley. How bad has it been?" "Just fabulous. The demonic kitten really made my night.

My name is Mortimer Alexander and I am a licensed summoner." "Darn. I'd hoped you were the pizza delivery guy.

Ya hafta be there for Beck. He only has you." Riley sighed. "I'll get the car.

The next kiss deepened, became more urgent, needy. There was no space between them, and she could feel he enjoyed their closeness. Riley heard him moan and they reluctantly broke apart.

Here I am with a seriously hunky guy and I'm covered in demon pee. Why does the universe hate me?

Girl? He pressed. The name is Riley, she shot back. Learn it. Use it!

Yes!’ Beck crowed, pumping his fist into the air. ‘That rocks!’ Then he charged off in search of another Three to decapitate. Riley sighed to herself. ‘I’ve created a monster.

That’s when she’d learned that male egos and fruit had a lot in common: Both bruised easily.

Ya called Fargo yet?” “No, I’ve been too busy trying to destroy the Guild and corrupt Simon’s soul. Being evil is a full-time job.

You can't carry the world on yer shoulders, broad as they are.

I could stay here forever." "But you won't." "Maybe I will.

What would you pack for Armageddon? Sunscreen and shades? Flame-proof underwear? Maybe a travel guide to the Underworld?

That was a kiss for the record books.

Accept that I enjoy being with you. Accept that when I'm with you I see Heaven in your eyes.

I thought he worked for Heaven.' I thought I was in love.

I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

By any rational metric, I am boring.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

People are friendlier in New York than London.

Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'

It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.

I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.

I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I feel non-stop Brit shame!

Politicians don't really bring up religion in England.

Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.

I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy.