P.G. Wodehouse Quotes

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

One of the drawbacks to life is that it contains moments when one is compelled to tell the truth.

Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.

As Shakespeare says, if you're going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

Slice him where you like, a hellhound is always a hellhound.

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.

It is no use telling me there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof.

It is true of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances seem to demand it.

Some minds are like soup in a poor restaurant—better left unstirred.

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.

There are three things in the world that he held in the smallest esteem - slugs, poets and caddies with hiccups.

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

My motto is 'Love and let love' - with the one stipulation that people who love in glass-houses should breathe on the windows.

Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?

It isn't often that Aunt Dahlia lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb trees and pull them up after them.

It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens for the echo.

Oh, I don't know, you know, don't you know?

If you could call the thing a horse. If it hadn't shown a flash of speed in the straight, it would have got mixed up with the next race.

I always strive, when I can, to spread sweetness and light. There have been several complaints about it.

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

Half a league Half a league Half a league onward With a hey-nonny-nonny And a hot cha-cha.

That is life. Just one long succession of misunderstandings and rash acts and what not. Absolutely.

He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.

If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

But everything is relative, Bertie... You, for instance, are my relative, and I am your relative.

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.