P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn't have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence.

I grew up in a gym in Miami, the one where Muhammad Ali trained. I had 142 amateur fights and lost three.

It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.

You should keep a photograph of Mick Lyons on the mantlepiece to keep children away from the fire

Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

With Epcot Center, the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

I don't mind getting punched in the nose by a guy standing in front of me. It's getting stabbed in the back that I can't handle.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

I did a picture for the First Barbie doll box.

Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.

Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues."

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.

It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Comeback is a good word, man.

Microeconomics is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money the government is out of.

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.

You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.

I had a lot of anger inside me and that came out at times that were not particularly advantageous to me career-wise.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

I hope people enjoy what I do. That would make me happy because I'd be bringing others pleasure while doing something I like.

I'm an old broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be all alone . . .

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.

Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.

No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal

Liberalism is just Communism sold by the drink.

The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.