P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.

Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it.

In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.

A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking.

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.

Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.

The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too.

Every generation finds the drug it needs.

The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.

The very existence of the bicycle is an offense to reason and wisdom.

Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.

In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.

The only time a bachelor's bed is made is when it's in the factory.

That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.

Industrialization came to England but has since left.

Civilization is an enormous improvement on the lack thereof.

I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.

Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist.

The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.

Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.

The Italians have had 2,000 years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place!

A nation with a goofy foreign policy needs a very serious policy of defense.

There was an austerely dignified award ceremony. By that I mean we had to buy our own drinks - in clear violation of the international journalists'code of truth, fairness and an open bar.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.

Russian cars are silly. They look like imports drawn by a cartoonist for a UAW newsletter.

Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.

I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer.

People love to be told what they know already. It's not so much that what they say is wrong, though Ann Coulter does seem to be completely crazy.

Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty.

It is very hard now to shock people into thinking about government regulation and the extent of government involvement in life.

I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

The dominant type of humor in the '60s was essentially defensive and self-deprecating, using humor as a shield.

I think Michael O'Donoghue felt he'd said what he wanted to say. In fact, nobody thought we could spin it out long enough to make a book.

I have three children and three dogs. You put them in a Prius, you know? People who have a Prius obviously have no life! No wife, no kids, no pets - there's no room in there for anything!

Apparently Bolivia is the key source of lithium in the world. So we're gonna trade the Saudis for the Bolivians.

A lot of things work better in a locomotive.

What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?

There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.

We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life because life is pretty foolish as far as I can tell.

Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It's impossible to be alive and safe.

Commies love concrete.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.