P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

Then Saturday Night Live spawns... well, everything right down to American Pie 9, where all humor has to be irrelevant, which can get a little tiring.

I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found that they had essentially the same problems as they do now.

You don't despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can.

People have a right to my food, a right to my housing, and a right to my good job for my decent pay.

When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .

The political process consists entirely of politicians talking out of their butts.

I was never in the office [of Rolling Stone]. It was very different from Lampoon, where we spent a lot of time together socially, which is to say "drunk."

Whereas Rolling Stone, I just never had anything to do with them. I'd stop by the office maybe twice a year.

Greatest generation came through some stuff that we can't even imagine - the Depression, World War I - and all they wanted after that was a breather and a calm and a quiet life, and they get us.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...

Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious.

Justice is about making them pay for [her] pain. Revenge is making them pay for yours.

Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn’t look the way America does.

The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics.

People spot a big black lens, and they worry about what they're doing, or how their hair looks. Nobody see the person holding the camera.

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere.

I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics.

Horses and horsepower alike are about status and being cool.

There are a few things that people all around the world need to admit to themselves. Trade restraints slow economic growth, the euro is not a reserve currency, and scoreless sports ties are boring.

The purpose of sports - even foreign sports - is not to bore people.

What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small that I have to search all my pockets to discover I've received a spam text.

A 'farm' today means 100, 000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall.

Space has always been confusing to politics.

The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.'

Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.

The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids.

If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas.

If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.

I blame feminism and Facebook for the death of the American automobile. I'm a Republican, so I blame everything on feminism - or commies.

As time goes by and you're getting older and stuff like that - getting older sucks. You know, I hear all this crap about, 'Oh, you can age with dignity.' Really?

On inspection, Gaudi's architecture isn't whimsical at all.

The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants.

Most people sort of enjoy going to work because of the socialisation, a chance to flirt with co-workers and so on, but actually hate the job they do.

The library, with its Daedalian labyrinth, mysterious hush, and faintly ominous aroma of knowledge, has been replaced by the computer's cheap glow, pesky chirp, and data spillage.

Call a man 'ignorant, ' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.

Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them.

If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.

Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

No Americans wants to see somebody lose their house because of health bills. Their boat? Maybe. Maybe the boat. But not the house.

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment.

Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.

All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step.

There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have.

It's no fun being a loser. Trust me.