P. O'Brien Quotes

Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.

It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'

Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'

Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.

President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'

The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.

Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney.

President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.

It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.

California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air.

I'm a paranoid person. And I think - I'm the kind of person that can come up with lots of negative scenarios. But I remembered thinking that seemed like - that was a stretch even for me.

The sea which we think of separating the two island actually joins them.

It took a little time to get where I wanted. It took a little time to get free. It took a little time to be honest. It took a little time to be me.

If you're writing a song about a relationship ending, what you're really doing is honoring how much that person meant to you.

There is nothing better than having a personal-best day, being in shape and pushing myself beyond my own limits.

You have to be able to be a good loser. You have to be okay knowing you're going to fail every day in something without getting mad and upset.

I call myself a chameleon.

Through everything I've gone through- and I've been everywhere, at the top of the world, in jail, hung over drunk - I never gave up my dream of winning a gold medal in the Olympics.

As a young athlete, it was first about having fun; then it was about winning.

I think what my parents did was perfect. They were strict, concerned about my safety and held me back just a little.

You know why divorce costs so much? Because it is worth it!

We'll probably only consider a handful of individuals. We'll bring up people who can accumulate either innings or at-bats, so we can hopefully gauge where they stand as a prospective Major Leaguer.

I was playing little league baseball when Bruce Jenner was winning the gold but I don't think I was really paying attention at that time.

Take pride in exactly what it is you do and remember it's okay to fail as long as you don't give up.

As a young child, I was never a crier. I never cried to get my way, or even when I was in pain.

You need to become more than one type of athlete. You have to be a sprinter, a weight man and a distance guy all in one.

Don't fake enthusiasms. Say what you think, not what you think you ought to think.

Not in the mornings, I'm always so tired in the morning.

What is so refreshing playing with Neil Finn and all his friends is these people think exactly the same - regular people doing their thing and separating the music from the business.

We're not aware of fame itself, we're not that kind of band.

So we are not doing the traditional album, tour, album, tour, album, tour anymore. We're going to tour when we want to, regardless of whether we've got a record out.

I'm thrilled we've got a new single out, as singles were the way I first got into music as a child.

Writers really live in the mind and in hotels of the soul.

Money talks, but tell me why all it says is just Goodbye.

I have always espoused chastity except when one can no longer resist the temptation.

I always want to be in love, always. It's like being a tuning fork.

You have to be lonely to be a writer

Kindness. The most unkind thing of all.

Ideally I'd like to spend two evenings a week talking to Proust and another conversing with the Holy Ghost.

Writing is the product of a deeply disturbed psyche, and by no means therapeutic.