Paula Poundstone Quotes

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.

I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.

I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.