Phyllis Diller Quotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.