Phyllis Diller Quotes

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

self-pity is better than none.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.