Ray Romano Quotes

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

If you are someone, you know, with fame, whatever amount, it's good to be married to someone who's not impressed with that at all.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I have this mistress: show business.

I do what I do because I love it.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.