Rita Rudner Quotes

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him