Rita Rudner Quotes

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Never take candy from strangers.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.