Rita Rudner Quotes

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.