Rita Rudner Quotes

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Cats are a waste of fur.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'