Robert A. Heinlein Quotes

There is no safety this side of the grave

Men rarely if ever dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything.

In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once.

The power to tax, once conceded, has no limits; it continues until it destroys.

The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire.

But, if there ever was a time in history when "peace" meant that there was no fighting going on, I have been unable to find out about it.

The Bible is such a gargantuan collection of conflicting values that anyone can prove anything from it.

Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something.

He's as weird as snake's suspenders but sweet as a stolen kiss, too.

God split himself into a myriad parts that he might have friends. This may not be true, but it sounds good, and is no sillier than any other theology.

The most expensive thing in the world is a second-best military establishment, good but not good enough to win.

Fulfillment in life is loving a good woman and killing a bad man.

People usually believe anything that they are told early and often.

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.

My old man says when it's time to be counted, the important thing is to be man enough to stand up.

Death is an old friend; I know him well. I lived with him, ate with him, slept with him; to meet him again does not frighten me death is as necessary as birth, as happy in its own way.

Coffee comes in five descending stages: Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover.

An armed society is a polite society.

I did the only really brave thing I have ever done in my life: I inched forward.

Of all the strange 'crimes' that human beings have legislated out of nothing, 'blasphemy' is the most amazing -- with 'obscenity' and 'indecent exposure' fighting it out for second and third place.

A monarch's neck should always have a noose around it. It keeps him upright.

If you've got the truth you can demonstrate it. Talking doesn't prove it.

Take sides! Always take sides! You will sometimes be wrong - but the man who refuses to take sides must always be wrong.

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

If you do not believe that a man will commit murder for one can of tomatoes, then you have never been hungry.

It's an indulgence to sit in a room and discuss your beliefs as if they were a juicy piece of gossip.

Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy.

A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac but flowers work almost as well.

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being 'frank'.

I woke up in bed with a man and a cat. The man was a stranger; the cat was not

No woman ever ages beyond eighteen in her heart.

Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The golden sunshine of Italy congealed into tears. Here's to alcoholic brotherhood ... much more suited to the frail human soul, if any, than any other sort.

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

Death is the lot of us all, and the only way that the human race has ever conquered death is by treating it with contempt. By living every golden minute as if one had all Eternity.

Democracy's worst fault is that its leaders are likely to reflect the faults and virtues of their constituents.

Democracy is a poor system of government at best; the only thing that can honestly be said in its favor is that it is eight times as good as any other method the human race has ever tried.

Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.

The first principle of freedom is the right to go to hell in your own handbasket.

Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.

I think that science fiction has a distinct therapeutic value because all of it has as its primary postulate that the world does change. I cannot overemphasize the importance of that idea.

Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting.

Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.

History does not record anywhere or at any time a religion that has any rational basis.