Robert Benchley Quotes

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.

Streets flooded. Please advise.

If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.

Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.

The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field.

A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.

All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer.

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once.

New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800.

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice.

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

There seems to be a common strain of miserliness in the American people when it comes to throwing away toothpaste tubes which havea little left in the bottom.

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

She sleeps alone at last.

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.

There are two ways to travel, first class or with children.

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times.

If only those old walls could talk...how boring they would be.

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.

It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Work is a form of nervousness.

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands.

I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.

Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her.

But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey.

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.