Robert Orben Quotes

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.

New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.