Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.