Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My wife gives good headache.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.