Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I don't get no respect

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.