Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.