Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I have three kids, one of each.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.