Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I can't get no respect.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I was a poster child... for birth control!

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!