Roseanne Barr Quotes

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice NEVER attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

Being nuts is its own reward.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.