Roseanne Barr Quotes

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.

Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.

Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment Roseanne dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.