Sam Levenson Quotes

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet, but the stirring.

The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.

You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.

The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."

If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Times don't change. Men do.

You can't start at the top.

More and more Congressmen now stay in Washington all year-round because they can't stay at home under the laws they've passed.

How wise are Thy commandments O Lord. Each one of them applies to somebody or other I know.

The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.

At the U.N., any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor."

The Puritans came to America to worship in their way and to force everybody else to do the same thing.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic, she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.

It would be useless to bomb Washington. If you destroy one building, they already have two other buildings completely staffed with people doing exactly the same thing.