Scott Adams Quotes

For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.

Dinosaur: I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. Catbert: That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs.

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

I'm primarily just an investor.

Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.

E-books are impervious to analogy.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.

A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.

We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.

Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly.

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'

As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

My investments have been hurt.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is that the staff sleeps here at night. If your tablecloth is wrinkled, that's why.

Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.

Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.

Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.

Home is pretty utopian.

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car.

I should have written that down. - Dilbert

Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

Failure is a resource that can be managed.

I hated my work. It never seemed to me to be what I should be doing.

One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there's something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

Management is nature's way of removing idiots from the productive flow.

As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.