Spike Milligan Quotes

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

God made nightButMan made darkness.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

In the human race today, you came last.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I'm Irish. We think sideways

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

Its all in the mind, you know.