Stephen Colbert Quotes

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.