Stephen Colbert Quotes

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?