Stephen Colbert Quotes

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.

You have a firm grasp of the obvious.

I'm impervious to logic.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.

If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.

Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.