Stephen Colbert Quotes

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.