Steven Wright Quotes

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I can't stop thinking like this.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I washed mud off of mud.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

Day One: Still tired from the move.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

Because I don't believe everything I read.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.