Steven Wright Quotes

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote, ' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.