Steven Wright Quotes

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.