Steven Wright Quotes

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

The speed of time is one second per second.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Clones are people two.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?